In the early hours of last Saturday morning I caught the shipping forecast on radio 4. I’m not a fisherman. I almost never need to know sea conditions. And almost is completely unnecessary in that last sentence. But despite almost never needing to know sea conditions I listen – I find it soothing and am convinced that even as I listen to it wide awake, it is helping me sleep.

On this occasion the shipping forecast was read out by John Prescott. Or Baron Prescott as I think he might be called nowadays. Maybe it’s Lord Prescott. It’s something Prescott. For my purposes I’ll call him Prescott, John Prescott.  Anyway a non-standard presenter of the shipping forecast was apparently was a Rose Nose Day stunt. Rose Nose Day is the day Comic Relief, the charitable organisation, take over the telly and manage to somehow cram 13 minutes of watchable television into an amazing 8 hours worth of broadcasting time. Except it wasn’t even Red Nose Day because it was Saturday what with it being nearly 1am and Rose Nose Day was Friday not Saturday. But it leaks into Saturday. Like a neighbour’s burst plumbing leaks into your flat.

Somehow someone at Comic Relief, the charitable organisation, decided that Prescott, John Prescott, reading the shipping forecast was funny. For those of you who don’t know, Comic Relief are a hilariously funny charitable organisation made up of comedians… well, chiefly made up of comedians but the numbers are made up by celebrities eager to help save starving babies in Africa, celebrities eager to make you think they want to save starving babies in Africa and celebrities and politicians drafted in either to make the comedians look cooler, or for the purposes of irony. They do Red Nose Day on TV on a Friday where harrowing images from the world’s poorest countries are interspersed with mostly unfunny sketches awkwardly linked by the mainly terrible presenters… it makes for uncomfortable viewing.

So as some sort of stunt like a student sitting in a bathtub full of baked beans Prescott, John Prescott, read the shipping forecast. And it was just as soothing as if one of the normal proper presenters of the shipping forecast had read the shipping forecast. It was just as soothing as if one of the normal proper public school educated presenters of the shipping forecast had read the shipping forecast. It was just as soothing as if one of the normal proper public school educated Oxbridge graduate presenters of the shipping forecast had read the shipping forecast. It was just as soothing as if one of the normal proper public school educated Oxbridge graduate presenters of the shipping forecast with the reassuring voices had read the shipping forecast.

Luckily I was fast asleep.

But even though I was fast asleep I started to wonder why Comic Relief, the hilariously funny charitable organisation, had decided that it would save more starving African babies if Prescott, John Prescott, read the shipping forecast in the early hours of Saturday morning, the day after Red Nose Day. I lay there fast asleep wondering what was so funny about a different voice reading out something slightly differently yet equally as soothingly as someone else. On the wrong day. Apart from the mild surprise of hearing a slightly different voice reading something slightly differently I was a bit stumped. If I was actually wide awake gazing into the darkness I’d have wondered whether it was funny or actually not funny. It must have been funny, even if only to the person who came up with the idea.

Knowing that some people who almost never need to know sea conditions sometimes listen to the shipping forecast because they find it soothing and reassuring, perhaps they considered using a voice that would be the opposite of soothing and reassuring. But what is the opposite…. grating? menacing? unsettling? For a fisherman struggling against very rough, occasionally high seas in Cromarty the opposite of soothing may be someone screaming the shipping forecast. In Japanese. And for the radio to go dead immediately after. But making Bloomogganners shit themselves would be against the spirit of Comic Relief, the funny-but-don’t-forget-why-we’re-here charitable organisation.

So someone somewhere decided that instead of frightening isolated fishermen they would spring mild surprise on people who almost never need to know sea conditions. And Prescott, John Prescott, was drafted in to read the shipping forecast on the day after Red Nose Day in a slightly different but equally as soothing voice to which many listeners probably thought that’s unusual Prescott, John Prescott, reading the shipping forecast and to which almost no listeners went HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA that’s HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Prescott HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, John Prescott HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, reading the HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA shipping forecast.

I scoured my mind for things I know about Prescott, John Prescott, to see if there was some sort of subtext I’d missed. I don’t think there was any subtle political satire at work but I was fast asleep so maybe there was. Watchers of topical satirical shows Have I Got News For You and Mock The Week will know that Prescott, John Prescott is funny chiefly because he is overweight. Maybe they anticipated fishermen cracking up: HA HA listen to a fat bloke reading the shipping forecast. I bet the normal proper public school educated Oxbridge graduate presenters of the shipping forecast with the reassuring voices who normally read the shipping forecast aren’t fat. Any of them. I bet they’re thin. But Prescott, John Prescott, is fat… I wonder if he’ll eat the shipping forecast? But what with radio being an aural medium you can’t be sure – you almost certainly know that Prescott, John Prescott is fat and that this is funny because they always mention it on the topical satirical shows Have I Got News For You and Mock The Week. But you don’t 100 percent know that normal proper public school educated Oxbridge graduate presenters of the shipping forecast with the reassuring voices who normally read the shipping forecast aren’t fat. You just reckon. And sometimes that’s not enough. Also – is being fat funny?

Another thing that topical satirical shows Have I Got News For You and Mock The Week always mention that is funny about Prescott, John Prescott is that he once punched someone who threw an egg in in his face. Maybe Comic Relief, the charitable organisation seeking to tackle the root causes of deprivation, were under the impression that the fishermen and insomniacs who listen to the shipping forecast would be on the edge of their seats… or fishing boats… or fishing boat-seats… or whatever fishermen sit on… waiting to hear if Prescott, John Prescott would get up and punch the shipping forecast. He didn’t. But then again it would be difficult to punch a forecast as it’s more of an abstract entity, a mere collection of words rather than a physical object. Especially on the radio. On the wrong day. Maybe that was the joke.

And another thing that topical satirical shows Have I Got News For You and Mock The Week always mention this is funny about about Prescott, John Prescott is that he had two Jaguars. The cars not the cats. He had two Jaguars – one of his own and one in his ministerial capacity as a government minister. Maybe Comic Relief, the charitable organisation who help us to understand poverty better through the insights of pampered celebrities, were under the impression that the fishermen blah blah blah… even I’m getting sick of this now… I’m too tired… I can’t type any more of this shite… just repeat the previous two parts but change being fat or punching to something about having two Jaguars or driving or whatever the fuck you like… I can’t be arsed.

Blur – This Is A Low

By the way I’m not an idiot – I know full well that the reason that Comic Relief, the charitable organisation who give hope to the hopeless Fearne Cotton, think that Prescott, John Prescott, reading the shipping forecast in the early hours of Saturday not Friday rather than one of the proper public school educated Cambridge graduate presenters of the shipping forecast with the reassuring voices reading the shipping forecast was hilariously funny is because he has a northern accent. I was being contrary. Because it’s not funny. But it doesn’t mean I’m against saving starving African babies. I’m not a monster. To donate to Comic Relief, the charitable organisation who don’t know what day it is click here.